How can one live his life? With family? With friends? Or just staring at each and everyday passing by?
I've distanced myself so much... That I don't know what is helping me get through everyday. It used to be for a certain someone I see almost everyday and for family reasons.
Then it used to be just trying each and everyday to just get out of that place. No one to work for, no one to work with. Everything was just... A blur. My best friends? Family. I was so distant, I really wonder if anyone outside my family cared. I end up faking scenarios, maybe one person will go, "where is he? Is he sick?" almost everyday.
Then the nightmare, (or everydaymare?) ended when I met him, not a noisy boy I was, moreso of a reserved one. Well thanks to him I was able to drop it and actually be happy. But even then, I was still unable to be free, or myself or... Truthful.
Almost everyone's description of me before they talked to me was, "the silent and very quiet one" but once I loosened up to someone, they would all go "boy was I wrong"... Was I that unpredictable? Or was I able to mask things so well?
Then all good things come to an end, and boom... Another journey, new beginnings with that same reserved face, though managed to finally not be a lone runner that time around. Schools always told to have numbers, so contacts can be made. And a teacher mentioned, "some people have problems, and with no one else to talk to, they slowly seep away to depression and leave the school. And no one would know why."
Me being cocky and stupid thought "haha this won't be me" but... Now thinking of it... Could this be me? Could I be that person that suddenly leaves without reason? That's really upsetting.
New beginnings? Was I not back to square 1?
Yes it's not their fault, but one can still hope right? How can one fix a wound caused almost 10 years ago? Is there NO way for me to fix what went wrong? Counselling is an option, but do I dare?
Scarred of own's image causes one scared to interact with others.
Why do I seek to be alone, but unwilling to be lonely? Why am I such a hypocrite and a bastard.
Is there no end? Or maybe till I meet someone? Or crawl? But how? I'm scared to ask for help or am I scared to disappoint others? I'd rather do stuff on my own than doing something wrong for someone else.
Is this laziness? To seemingly know own problems but refusing to fix them. Is that low self esteem? No courage?
I can only go... Help...